Wanting
by Swedenlover
Summary: Take place last episode season 3. Peyton had had her chance with him, a long time ago, but back then she had been too afraid. Now, she want's him back. She's only taking what she always saw as hers, what was always meant to be, but was it really?


**Author's note:** I wrote this story some time ago, and had forgotten all about it until I (to my surprise) found it again, not even remember writing it.

Well anyway it take place in season three the last episode _The show must go one, _after Brooke's and Peyton's fight and Brooke ending up leaving the room.

Enjoy reading!!

**Wanting**

Peyton had always lost people, people she loved.

When her mother died, she had only been ten, but it had hurt. And somewhere in her young heart she blamed herself, hated herself because it was her fault. And she hated her mother because she had left her, when she needed her more than ever.

She used to lock the door to her room and play sad music while she cried until her head pounded and she had no tears left.

She bought black cloths and thought about colouring her hair darker. She stopped eating for a while and become, if possible, even skinnier.

When Ellie died, she cried, because life could be so cruel, and she cried because Ellie was gone. And she felt the pain, the same pain, which hurt like a knife in the heart.

But this time it wasn't that intense, and she could still smile, she could still see the beauty in the world, because Ellie had taught her what life really was about. She had taught her to find another meaning in the music, she had taught her that there was beauty everywhere, if you just looked close enough.

And Peyton had smiled trough the tears, when she looked at the grave, and thanked whichever God there was, for letting her meet Ellie, before it was too late.

It had hurt when Jake had left, not the same pain, but it had still hurt. So badly that she couldn't see and her legs wouldn't hold her up.

She had loved him, or at least she thought so, until Lucas smiled at her and his hand touched hers, skin against skin. Then she knew that she didn't know anything about love, yet.

And when Brooke's red eyes looked back at hers, and she heard the other girls heavy breathing, she knew that he was worth their friendship, and even if it broke her heart to see Brooke pack her things and leave, she didn't try to stop her. Because she knew that with Lucas she could be happy, and somewhere in her broken tired heart, she thought she deserved that.

"I love you!" She burst out when he came into the room. "I love you." She said it low, but clearly enough for him to hear. "Please."

His eyes were warm when they met her cold ones.

"Peyton." He said, and she loved the way he said her name. How it rolled over his tongue. "Peyton, what has happened?"

She started to cry, even if she didn't want to. Even if she already had cried too much.  
"Please don't leave me." She whispered. "Never leave me again."

He didn't answer, his eyes became worried.

She walked towards him, let him embrace her, feeling his hot body against her cold, trembling one.

"What have happened Peyton?" He stroked her hair gentle, holding her hard.

"I don't want you to leave." She whispered, her lips against his shoulder. "Everybody else leaves, Lucas, everybody else leaves."

And he held her even harder, and his lips touched her ear when he promised her to never leave.

And she kissed him; she let her lips travel to his and kissed him hard and desperate while tears streamed over her cheeks.

At first he answered, and his tongue explored in her mouth, but then he pulled away.

"I'm sorry Peyton." She looked up, meeting his glance, he looked sad. "I'm so, so sorry."

And in that moment she knew she had lost him, she knew that people don't have to die or leave to be lost. They can just not be there anymore.

"But you wanted me." She whispered, her arms were still around his neck. "You loved me?" The pain, which had become so familiar to her that she almost didn't feel it anymore, started to pulse inside her.

"I'm really sorry Peyton." He whispered, and let one hand go of her waist, for dragging it through his blond hair. "I thought so too."

Her tears were still falling, but she didn't feel them anymore.

"But you only choose her, because you couldn't have me." She sounded cold and heartless, but her voice trembled.

He nodded; it looked like he was going to cry too.

"Yeah, I did." He looked like a little child, whose world had crashed around him. "I guess I just fall in love with her during the time."

She dragged herself loose, from his grip. His hands fell away from her hips, like he had no will of his own.

"She left." She said, it felt like she was num, like she couldn't feel anything anymore. The pain was gone; it had been better when it still was with her. "I told her that I loved you, and she left."

Lucas didn't answer, his brown eyes were no longer that warm.

"Where did she go?"

"I don't know!" It felt as like he was hitting her. "I'm sorry Luke."

"Why did you tell her?" He sounded accusing now, like everything was her fault. The worst thing was that it really was.

"I couldn't lie to her."

"You did a pretty good job last time." He sounded scornful.  
"I almost lost her that time."

"So you thought that telling her would prevent that from happening." His eyes were hard now. "We're going to lose her, don't you understand? We're going to lose her." Now he looked like he was going to panic. "And I can't do that not again… don't you understand…. not again…"

And for the first time she understood, how much he needed her, how Brooke could give him things that she never would be able to. How Brooke could give him happiness.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, because for the first time the reality was standing in front of her, cold and hard. She had thought Lucas would take care of the real word, take her away and hide her from its coldness and atrocity. But the truth was, that Lucas couldn't save her, even if he wanted to. And what she has done could not just be taken away, it could not just disappear.

"She's not coming back." She said, and his eyes widen. "I'm sorry Lucas, but she's not. And even if she was…" She took a deep breath, trying to make the tears stop falling. "She's never going to trust any of us ever again."

She saw how the reality sank into Lucas, how it hit him, hard and cold, and hurt him. He sank down on the floor, resting his head in his hands.

And Peyton sank down too, feeling the coldness of the floor through her thin dress.

"I'm sorry." She said again, but the words had lost its meaning. "I'm really sorry." And she closed her eyes, feeling how the tears finally stopped. It was too late now, to late for everything, and still something inside her was happy. Because Brooke wouldn't have him now, and somehow that made him hers. And she hated herself because of that thought. But it was still there and when she rested her head against her legs, she knew that it wasn't going anywhere.

**Author's note:** Feedbacks, good as bad are always welcome and appreciated. So please tell me what you thought!


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